We Have the Village. Why Don't We Use It?

I can guarantee that almost every problem in the world has a solution or piece of advice in common. Whether it be a hard class, a missed flight, a lost phone, getting robbed, falling in the kitchen, or even feeling lonely. All of these and many more can be partly solved, or begun to be solved, by asking others for help. Reaching out to our friends and family, and relying on their comfort, company, support, or knowledge, can help us feel less alone in the situation and see it through faster.

One of the biggest advantages of human beings is our ability to build strong lasting bonds with others. In an evolutionary context, think of it as simple cooperation. Working together and living in communities helped us survive even the toughest environments.

Being able to rely on others was so important to our success that belonging to a group and having meaningful relationships became a need, not a choice. Our ability to have these relationships is not just an advantage, it is a blessing that can fill our lives with the joy of good company.

But why can it feel so difficult for us to reap the benefits of our village?

It's a tale as old as time. Asking for help can be incredibly difficult, whether it be a matter of pride, shame, or actual ability. Admitting to our faults and finding support in others feels like the last thing we want to do. So much so that we'd rather face the problem alone.

Sometimes it works out for us. It takes us a bit longer, but we get it solved and done with.

Unfortunately there is one notable exception.

When we do not fulfill our need to belong and feel close with others, we feel the consequences. Prolonged isolation and the perception of inadequate relationships makes one lonely.

Loneliness is a very real problem. A distressing problem. And it was designed to be so. It is the pain and the sadness that comes from it that drives us to find other people.

Hence the exception. The only real way out of this one is strengthening and solidifying our connections with those close to us.

Asking for help and relying on our people is not an option here. But do not feel discouraged. This difficulty in asking for help is more common than it seems, and the best way around the icky feeling of it may be to rethink what asking for help is and how it is perceived by others. A mindset change.

The Psychology Behind It

A recent article by Psychology Today explores why hyper-independent people develop that way of being, along with the psychological research behind it. These three reasons can help explain why anyone can come to avoid seeking others.

A feeling of inferiority

People are far more likely to welcome help when it comes from others who treat them, or consider them, an equal. We feel uncomfortable when we perceive that receiving help will position others above us. So in this case it is not the help itself we avoid, but the hierarchy it implies.

In short, we avoid asking for help to avoid feeling inferior to others.

A feeling of failure or inadequacy

Asking for help can make us feel incapable. In fact, research suggests that we are more likely to accept help when we attribute our need for it to external circumstances rather than our own personal failure.

Look at this example. Which scenario do you think someone is more likely to ask for help in?

• I need help studying for the test because the class is objectively really hard.

• I need help studying for the test because I am terrible at this subject.

Whether help feels good or humiliating often comes down to why we think we needed it in the first place. What determines whether we view help as support or as condescension is attribution: was this hard for everyone, or just for me?

So, if we believe asking for help makes us look incapable to others, we avoid it.

Mistrust and power imbalances

This one is the trickiest. Some people learn early on in life that help is not really free.

Asking for help can make us feel powerless, especially if we learned early on that help always came with strings attached. When a child is forced to take care of others too soon, meaning comforting a parent, looking after a sibling, being "the responsible one," they grow up associating help with obligation rather than safety.

Look at this example. Here are two different mindsets one can have about asking for help:

• I need help because it's normal to need support sometimes, and my partner and friends are here to offer me support.

• I need help, but if I ask, I'll owe them something and I don't know what that "something" is yet.

  
  

Whether help feels safe or threatening often comes down to what we learned power was supposed to look like. Growing up, was help ever really given, or was it always a transaction? Was needing something met with care, or with a quiet expectation to pay it back later?

So, if we believe asking for help means opening ourselves up to being controlled or indebted, we avoid it.

Think About Your Village This Way

The main thing here is that we are not crazy. There are many well documented reasons why we, despite having ample and strong connections, find it so difficult to rely on others.

It all boils down to the way we think asking for it will make us look to others. Perhaps it is a matter of pride. We should not let it get between us and living a full life.

This is particularly true when it comes to loneliness. We have no choice but to do our best to get around the shame and obstacles, or we will never escape the distress.

It is much easier said than done. One of the first things we can try is changing our mindset. We need to realize that asking for help reflects much more to those around us than incompetence and weakness. To accept help we need to intentionally work to shift our perception of ourselves to be more positive.

For example, asking for help can show others a true sense of self-confidence and humility. Two great qualities to have in a friend and in the people around you. It also shows others you trust them enough to be vulnerable. That is a beautiful feeling, to know someone is able and willing to be honest and completely themselves. It also shows you are open to learning and improving.

Asking others to lend a hand does not inherently make you needy or weak. It makes you human.

I recently read a fantastic article that makes a similar point. In "The Joy of Being Asked to Help," Isabel Fattal reminds us that the act of getting help is a two party ordeal. We tend to focus on the implications for us and our image and self worth when we ask others. How we look, what people think of us. If we think of others it is in terms of ourselves: they think these things about us, they consider us burdens.

But for others, being asked to help can be a fulfilling experience. This is the point Fattal makes. When we refuse to ask others for help we take away their opportunity to care for us. Choosing to go about life alone ultimately deprives loved ones of the joy and fulfillment of participating in our lives. Refusing to ask for support cuts off an avenue for friends and family to feel useful and connected.

Think about others. They get the opportunity to help you and participate in your life. Put yourself in their shoes and think: if someone asked me this, would I think ill of them, or would I feel honored they know they can come to me?

This reframing of help-seeking as a way to strengthen our relationships and build up our community is a great way to start modifying your mindset to accept help.

Think about it. You are strengthening your community and helping give others a feeling of fulfillment by letting them help you. A WIN WIN.

"It takes a village." But what does that mean? It means we give help to those close to us that need it, AND that we receive it when we need it. If we take away the chance for others to do their half, the village crumbles.

Being helped doesn't make you less. It makes you a member of a community.