Can We "Over-Connect"?

Have you ever thought to yourself: "I have too many friends"?

I came across an article recently that got me thinking about this. Right off the bat it asks us: "Are You Too 'Busy' to Connect?" But what really caught my attention was the subtitle: How that overbooked social calendar impacts our happiness.

The idea is that a packed social calendar can be its own kind of trap. Book clubs, workout dates, dinners, and coffee runs can make you look socially thriving on paper while leaving you no closer to the people around you. Being booked isn't the same as being connected, the article argues, and if you're feeling lonely, the answer probably isn't more plans. It's select, deeper relationships, with people you'd call at 11 PM and can be fully yourself around.

It's a fair point, and it's backed by research.

But I'll be honest, my first reaction was a bit of annoyance. Not because what was written was inherently wrong, but because it's like we just can't get it right.

A classic: you're wrong when you do, and you're wrong when you don't.

We hear and see everywhere in the media about the seemingly never ending loneliness epidemic. Endless opinion articles, TikTok vlogs, proper research on how the newer generations are separating, losing bonds, replacing connection with cheap empathy online, turning to AI. The result? A pervasive loneliness.

More than that, we are reminded how the best solution, maybe the only solution to claw one's way out of loneliness, is to connect. Form bonds with people around you, strengthen bonds, revive bonds…

So at either end we are faced with a problem, and at first glance it feels counterintuitive. Not only do we need to make an effort to connect, we also have to worry about connecting right, and just enough.

It's hard not to wonder if there is really such a thing as too much when it comes to connecting with other people. Can we really have too many friends?

Both Sides

Too little?

Well, we know for a fact we can have too little. When we perceive we do not have a sufficient number of meaningful connections with the people around us, and are left in a state of involuntary isolation, we get lonely. Loneliness impacts (in the bad way) our cognition, our physical and mental health, and our longevity.

It sucks the joy out of life and it hurts. Period.

Too much?

Now, about having too much. The article makes a fantastic point: being around people does not equal connection. Just because you are constantly surrounded by others and your social calendar is overflowing, it does not mean your social needs are fulfilled.

When you come home from a plan, or finish hanging out with a group of people, the main thing you should feel is happiness. A feeling of fun and a thought of I'm so glad I went. You feel at ease. You feel like you belong.

These are signs that you have a connection with others. A real one, a tangible one. One that goes beyond words. These are the people that fill you. A calendar full of hollow plans, while incredibly fun at times, does not equal good social health.

So having, and overspending energy on, too many non-meaningful relationships can be an obstacle to spending time with meaningful connections, forming them, or strengthening them.

So yes, there is such a thing as too many connections: when the connections are not deep enough for us to feel supported and fulfilled in a way more significant than just spending time.

Not only that, but we also have to consider our own emotional and social limits, or capacities. If we don't take care of ourselves, we cannot take care of or properly be there for others.

Think of the classic metaphor of the social battery. We all have one, and it powers everything from the small talk at the office to the long, meaningful conversation with a friend who is going through it. When it's full, showing up for people feels easy, even fun. When it's running low, even a simple greeting can feel like a lot.

What makes it tricky is that it can vary for everyone, both in capacity and in what charges and drains it. For one person, recharging can look like a lively group hangout. For another, it's time alone reading.

This matters because the way we show up for others depends on the state of our own battery. To take care of others, and to be the best version of ourselves with and for them, we have to take care of ourselves first. Pouring from an empty cup doesn't help anyone. We end up distracted, irritable, or physically present but mentally checked out.

Getting It Right

If I were to make a list on paper of my closest friends, I cannot fathom ever thinking I wish it was smaller. I don't think there can be too many real, meaningful connections. But certainly too many surface-level plans draining our energy.

Like many things in life, the solution here is probably intentional, careful balance.

1. Nourish the relationships you already have. Meeting new people and forming new connections is part of a lively, beautiful social life, but it shouldn't take precedence over nurturing the bonds you've already built. Keep a smaller circle that you invest in wholeheartedly: your close group.

2. Protect your social battery. The crucial thing is knowing yourself well enough that you don't burn out. What is your capacity? What are your boundaries? What charges you, and what drains you? The better you understand your own limits, the more you have to give to the people who matter most.

Don't know where to start? Centr can help.